The Funniest Horseracing Jokes
Some racehorses stay in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!” Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!” “Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve one 28!”, says another. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in MY last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!” The horses are clearly amazed. Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”
A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intends to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks ‘We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?’ ‘No thanks says the jockey I’ll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!’
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by. “What was that?” inquired the steward. “Oh nothing” said the trainer, “just a polo”. He offered one to the steward and had one himself. After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions “Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me”.
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I’m sending him over.”The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.”Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.”OK, what about the earsth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.”OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to thee her run!”
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.” Still, Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.” Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.” Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.”
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine”. The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!”. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is he — deaf or something?” The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf - he’ blind!!!”
A man was sitting quietly reading his racing paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaked up behind him and whacked him on the back of his head with a frying pan. “What did I do to deserve that?” said the man. “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?” his wife asked. “Oh honey, you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.” The wife looked all satisfied, and apologised. Three days later the man was once again sitting in his chair reading when his wife hit him on the back of the head with the frying pan. “What in the world was that for this time?” the man asks. “Your horse just called.”
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.” His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.” Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. “No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
The husband of a blonde horseracing fanatic tells his wife, “You’re losing all our money at the track. I can’t stand it anymore. If you go to the track once more our marriage is finished.” The blonde attempts to stay away from the racecourse for a week, and when the craving becomes to strong decides to go to a movie to distract herself. She’s buys a ticket to a film about a girl who nurses an injured racehorse to health and enters it in a race as a long shot outsider. The horse is about to run in the final scene when the blonde turns to the man behind her and says, “I’ve got 50 bucks on the favorite.” “You’re on,” says the guy behind her “I’ve got the long shot.” Sure enough, the long shot beats the favorite to the post. The blonde turns around to pay the man. “I can’t take it from you,” the guy says. “I’ve seen the film before.” “I’ve seen it, too,” says the blonde, “but I figured he’d do better this time with the extra race under his belt.”
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